The Unlikely Ascension of Dave the Slightly Sentient Potato (eBook, ePUB)

Synopsis: Dave is a potato. Not just any potatohe‘s slightly sentient. He can‘t move, speak, or do much of anything, really, but he is vaguely aware of his own existence. When a grocery store stocker accidentally drops him into a shopping cart, Dave embarks on an odyssey through the bizarre underbelly of human civilization, encountering existential dread, sentient shopping carts, and a secret society of expired yogurt cultures plotting revolution. CHAPTER ONE: THE AWAKENINGDave‘s first thought was: Huh. I‘m a potato.This was immediately followed by his second thought: Do potatoes usually think?And then, because he was nothing if not a creature of profound existential rhythm, his third thought: I should probably stop thinking before I get fried.Above him, a fluorescent light buzzed like an insect that had just discovered caffeine. The air smelled of disinfectant and the faint, lingering despair of discounted baked goods. Around him, other potatoes sat in silent, starchy solidarity. None of them seemed particularly concerned with the nature of their own existence.Dave envied them.A human lumbered past, muttering something about "meal prep" and "why is everything so expensive now?" Dave didn‘t know what meal prep was, but it sounded like a euphemism for something sinister.Thendisaster.A gloved hand grabbed him, squeezed him in a way that felt unnecessarily personal, and then, with the grace of a sleep-deprived giraffe, dropped him directly into a passing shopping cart.