The Cost of Quiet

An empowering, healing guide that reveals the true cost of avoidant behavior in a relationship—disconnection; disengagement, and divorce—and shows how we can instead learn to speak up and start connecting with the ones we love most. “I wish I had spoken up sooner." It’s a common myth that couples enter counseling fighting like cats and dogs. In truth, says licensed marriage and family therapist Colette Fehr, her office is usually far quieter. It isn’t fighting, but rather conflict avoidance, that causes the deepest ruptures in romantic relationships. But most couples don’t see the problem until it’s (almost) too late. Avoidant behavior—the need to “keep the peace” rather than dealing with conflict head on—is a silent relationship killer. And it isn’t our fault: our ingrained attachment wiring urges us to sidestep day-to-day disputes and brush lingering problems under the rug. But staying silent is a losing proposition in the long term. Years of feeling overlooked, underappreciated, and misunderstood can lead us to essentially “quiet quit” our relationships, as tiny slights add up to big, irreparable hurts. And conflict avoidance robs us of the possibility for deep, meaningful connection with our loved one—but it doesn’t have to be this way. In The Cost of Quiet, Colette Fehr shines a light on the epidemic of avoidant behavior and shows us how to break the cycle once and for all. Drawing from the latest attachment science and evidence-based therapies she’s used to repair hundreds of couples, Fehr gives us the tools to approach our partner with openness, honesty, and vulnerability. The ultimate goal: a closer, securely attached relationship that doesn’t avoid conflict but rather engages with it in a positive, productive way. Speaking up can be the key to a stronger, long-lasting relationship...if you let it.